allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
