When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
