she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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