You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
