I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I faked an abortion last night.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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