I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
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Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
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A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I want a musical about memes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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