I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
