He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
