Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
