she woke up with a sticky ear
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
