I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
