I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
