I skipped work to stalk him.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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