i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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