I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The struggles of a small town man whore
He? As in you personified your dick?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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