She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
