The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
