dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
