there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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