his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I FOUND THE LEGS
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
