i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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