I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
