I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
