I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
