i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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