And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
