um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
