I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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