Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
