i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
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IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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