I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
