u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
