Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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