If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
