Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
