my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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