Your mouth is God's brothel.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
