So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
