Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
