Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
