Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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