If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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