I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have tasted many bathrooms
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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