I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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