I think I am morally bankrupt
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
