well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Sorry about my life...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
