I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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