I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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