I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
