??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
from now on my penis is your penis
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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