I wish I could teleport
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
