It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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