ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
