I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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