so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
