if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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