Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
